Bad Mommy

So here's the deal--I'm kind of overwhelmed with the puppy and the toddler. I get now why most rescue groups refuse to adopt out puppies to families w/little ones. I GET IT! I take back everything I said about the crappy rescue groups who wouldn't adopt to us. They know more than my pediatrician and my vet--both of whom thought I'd be fine w/the kids and an exuberant 60lb puppy. SIGH.

If Sherman isn't pulling the bow out of Cassie's hair to eat it, he's attacking Hokey Pokey Elmo, despite the copious amounts of bitter apple sprayed on said Elmo. That means bitter apple is all over my hands and everything I eat tastes like bitter apple, which, while it no longer seems to bother Sherman, bothers the hell out of me. I'm constantly trying to keep Cassie from eating Sherman's bones and Sherman from eating her toys. It's constant.

So here's my dirty little secret. Yesterday Sherman was at school. And I didn't miss him. At all. I played with Cassie, I didn't worry about Sherman spending too much time w/his crate or how I was going to get a walk in or anything. I just played with my daughter and enjoyed my day. In fact--I kept thinking about how great life would be if every day was like yesterday! I feel really very guilty about this. We've spent a small fortune on that dog: training, shots, food, toys, treats, beds, etc. But honestly? I'd give him away tomorrow if I didn't think Jamie would KILL ME b/c of the money spent. It's not that I don't like the dog. I do. I love him. He's a great puppy. He's patient w/the kids (when he isn't trying to play w/them), he's incredibly social, he's relatively well behaved (for a seven month old pup), he clearly adores me. And at night after the kids are in bed, when it's just me and him and he's lying peacefully by my feet--I remember why we got him. The problem is that I feel like my life revolves around my puppy when my life should revolve around my human kids.

I miss Woody. And I don't know how to fix this. I want to fix it but I don't know how to fix it. Mikki asked me if I'd talked to Jamie about it. The Dow is down almost 50% for the year. It's like the last 11 years didn't happen in terms of investing. Since he makes our living selling "the time value of money," I'm not sure he gets (or sympathises AT ALL) how a puppy and toddler and Chase could turn my life upside down. His answer is to throw the dog outside or crate him b/c he's a dog.

I just feel like I'm trying so hard to do so many things and failing at all of them. It's not a good feeling...I just want Sherman to calm down, KWIM? But it's not fair to him to expect a seven month old puppy to behave like a 10 year old dog. I shouldn't get mad at a puppy for being a puppy, so then I get mad at myself for being the arrogant ass who adopted the puppy and naively thought she could handle him, plus the kids. Most days, I don't feel like I can--someone is always getting shortchanged and that's not fair to anyone.

I suck.