So in the interest of helping my male readers (do I have male readers? I'm not real sure about that...) I'm going to post a helpful list of things NOT to do when watching your children (specifically, your one year old daughter):

1. Do not forget to feed her lunch and then tell your wife, "But she had lots of bacon and I gave her a six ounce bottle before her nap!"

2. Do not let her pick out a movie, plunk her in front of the TV for two hours to watch it and call it "snuggle time." If you want to snuggle on the couch, try reading a picture book (or 10) to her.

3. Do not pay more attention to your laptop than your children and puppy. Or the dog may eat the face off one of your daughter's stuffed animals...and if that happens, don't smack the dog. Smack yourself for your inattentiveness!

4. Do not argue with your wife when she calls bullshit on your aforementioned parenting techniques. Remember, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.