About those Pumpkin Gooey Butter Cakes...

They overflowed all over the bottom of the oven. The overflow ignighted. And I saw flames in the oven. I may have freaked out a little, the house was full of smoke, the smoke detectors were going off, and there were FLAMES in my oven. So I called 911. Four fire trucks, two police cars and an ambulance later--everyone and everything but the cakes were fine. It was an exciting start to the holiday. We took a Tippins Pumpkin Pie to my sister's today and we don't have to take anything to Jamie's parents' tomorrow.

No holiday is complete around here w/o a little drama.

Baking marathon

I made two pumpkin gooey butter cakes this afternoon during nap. The recipe is in last year's Thanksgiving post. Pumpkin pie was once a favorite in our house, but its been replaced! Disclaimer--it's a Paula Deen recipe, so I used an entire package of butter (that would be four sticks) to make two cakes. I'm not sure that using 1/3 less fat cream cheese really mattered, but hey, I tried. I had lots of help from Chase since he's home from school. We went to the grocery store this afternoon after an emergency trip to the dentist. The good news is that I don't have a cavity or sinus infection. Apparently I have sensitive teeth and need to switch to Sensodyne toothpaste. Uh, okay. I don't ever want to go to the grocery the day before TG again--it was insanity. And the next time Dad offers to babysit when I have a dentist trip, I'm totally taking him up on it.

Cass and I had sushi for lunch (california rolls for her, spicy rolls for me) and Chase had a hot dog lunchable. Gross, I know. Sherm has spent the majority of today outside or crated and I don't care. I'm over this whole perfectionist thing. Well trying to be...

I'm going to go hang w/my sous chef. Happy Thanksgiving!

This made me laugh...

I was talking to Amy this evening and she said, "You sound good." And I said, "I'm feeling much better than last week, I swear PMS is making me crazy." She asked if I was taking any meds, the type of which my mother politely referred to as "nerve pills." I haven't been medicated like that in nearly three years--I quit the Lexapro right around the time I started the hard core fertility drugs. You know, Chase had been in preschool for a few years by then, so I figured the whole postpartnum depression thing was over. Conveniently, I could then blame my mood swings and bitchiness on the fertility drugs and resulting pregnancy...

So Amy said (as only Amy can), "Uh--maybe you need some meds so you can jack them up when you've got PMS." Last week that would have made me cry. But this week, I'm laughing. Four hours later, I still laugh when I hear her voice in my head saying it. (Not those kinds of voices, thankyouverymuch.) Which means I probably do need some sort of pharmaceutical when I'm PMSing. If I hadn't skipped my yearly exam last month (yeah, yeah, I know but after all the fertility stuff and pregnancy, my vajayjay is taking a break from drs)...I'd ask my ob. I'll see her in a few months at her granddaughter's bday party and if I'm still nuts, I'll inquire then...;)

Talked to the trainer...

We're going to try an electronic collar (otherwise known as a shock collar) during training next week. Jamie's dad actually has an appropriately sized collar for his pointers, so we're going to borrow his. Hopefully, this gets us through puppy adolesence. The trainer thinks that his high pain tolerance is rendering the pinch collar less than effective. She's been wanting to do an e-collar for a while, but I put her off b/c of the cost and my fear that it isn't humane. I've done a bit of research and it really isn't any different than a standard correction, which I've been doing for the last four months. My neighbor (a fellow Golden owner) used one on her previous Golden and said it worked beautifully.

He must know I'm at the end of my rope--he's lying peacefully in his bed while the kids play in a rubbermaid tub right next to him. THIS is what I want! Gotta rescue Cassie...from Chase this time, not the dog!

It's interesting to me how friends/family are reacting to the Sherman thing. For the record, no decision regarding his future has been made. I'm praying about it. Today he pulled Chase off the swingset and tried to incite play (which for a pup like Sherm involves mouthing). He scared the crap out of Chase, who was abjectly hysterical. In a perfect world, Chase and Sherman would not ever be alone together. Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world...I'm just glad I heard Chase's screaming. He's fine and I think Jamie finally gets why I'm such a freaking basket case most of the time.

I have a good friend who has done dog rescue for years. I really thought she'd knock me upside the head for this situation. She didn't. She GOT that I'm in over my head and that I want what is best for all involved and am not sure 60lbs of puppy in this household is what is best for all involved. I'm also not sure it's not--we have a lot invested in Sherman (time, money, energy, and love)--no one wants a happy ending (the perfect family dog) for this story more than I do. I just don't know if I have the patience to make that dream a reality.

This week is going to be interesting b/c of the holiday...and next week (when Sherm is boarded b/c of Dad's surgery) is also going to be very telling. I'm just going to wait and see what happens. See how this week goes and see how next week (w/o him) goes.

Ultimately, he deserves to be in the best home for him. He could have it a lot worse than our house...but I also think he could have it a lot BETTER than our house too. We'll see...

Meltdown

It's been a rough week, and not just because of the Dow. Jamie's been putting in very long hours, it's been a CRAZY busy week and things are only going to get busier. Today was my mom's birthday and even though it should be easier after two years, it still sucks.

Cassie's Godmother Lara called this afternoon to thank me for her birthday present and I melted. She didn't even get to thank me for the present (she called back later to check on me and actually thank me for the sweater) b/c I melted.

About Sherman: I love dogs, I've had a dog in some capacity for the last 27 years and he is going to be a great dog some day. I honestly can't imagine my life without a dog. We were home from our honeymoon for exactly 7 days before I got dog. I remember rolling over, looking at Jamie and saying, "If you're going to work this much, I gotta get a dog." I picked out Baxter at the Humane Society that night. That "three month old Lab" puppy was actually a nine month old pit bull mix. He was a good dog for me for six great years and for Amy for another three and I will forever be grateful to her for taking him when the vet said he needed a new home. Then came Woody--the one we were going to find a "nice home for" found ours and was such a great dog for our family. He was six when he came to live with us, and spent his final eight years with us. I miss him every day.

There have been others: Bella, the impulse beagle rescue who had toileting issues and went back to the pound in a clomid-tantrum after one too many "presents" on the playroom floor; Spike, the object-possessive rescue who went back to rescue b/c I refused to have an object-possessive dog in my house w/my small children. Relinquishing those dogs was incredibly difficult, but ultimately, my life was better for it. And is the whole reason for pets to make life better?

I don't know what we're going to do yet. Chase knows what is going on--he knows Mom is having a hard time and that something may have to give. We've discussed it. He's not thrilled, but he'll be okay.

Basically, I'm an idiot. I accept this and admit it. I hadn't had a puppy in years. I was seventeen when we got Max. Max was a shih tzu. The difference between a shih tzu puppy (who lives with two other dogs and no little kids) and a golden retriever puppy fairly defies description. Even Baxter--who was nine months old when I got him--I was working full time...I didn't have babies, he was my baby! He probably would have been just as nuts as Sherman if I'd had little kids, but I didn't. And I was working, so I wasn't dealing with him 18 hours a day. Nor was I juggling his needs with the needs of two other little ones. I honestly had no idea at all what I was getting into when we got Sherman. Not. A. Clue. It was stupid. It was naive. And now I'm dealing w/the results of my stupidity and naivete.

Jamie is supportive either way. He would like to try to help out a little more. We're going to do one more week of training when Dad has his knee replaced. It is board and train, so we'll see what a week w/o him is like. Quite honestly it will be my first dogless week in 11 1/2 years. We'll see how it goes...

I want what is best for everyone. I want Sherman in the best possible home for him--where he is exercised, trained, loved, and happy. And I want our home to be a happy home. I don't know if those two things are compatible right now, but I'm working on it.

Bad Mommy

So here's the deal--I'm kind of overwhelmed with the puppy and the toddler. I get now why most rescue groups refuse to adopt out puppies to families w/little ones. I GET IT! I take back everything I said about the crappy rescue groups who wouldn't adopt to us. They know more than my pediatrician and my vet--both of whom thought I'd be fine w/the kids and an exuberant 60lb puppy. SIGH.

If Sherman isn't pulling the bow out of Cassie's hair to eat it, he's attacking Hokey Pokey Elmo, despite the copious amounts of bitter apple sprayed on said Elmo. That means bitter apple is all over my hands and everything I eat tastes like bitter apple, which, while it no longer seems to bother Sherman, bothers the hell out of me. I'm constantly trying to keep Cassie from eating Sherman's bones and Sherman from eating her toys. It's constant.

So here's my dirty little secret. Yesterday Sherman was at school. And I didn't miss him. At all. I played with Cassie, I didn't worry about Sherman spending too much time w/his crate or how I was going to get a walk in or anything. I just played with my daughter and enjoyed my day. In fact--I kept thinking about how great life would be if every day was like yesterday! I feel really very guilty about this. We've spent a small fortune on that dog: training, shots, food, toys, treats, beds, etc. But honestly? I'd give him away tomorrow if I didn't think Jamie would KILL ME b/c of the money spent. It's not that I don't like the dog. I do. I love him. He's a great puppy. He's patient w/the kids (when he isn't trying to play w/them), he's incredibly social, he's relatively well behaved (for a seven month old pup), he clearly adores me. And at night after the kids are in bed, when it's just me and him and he's lying peacefully by my feet--I remember why we got him. The problem is that I feel like my life revolves around my puppy when my life should revolve around my human kids.

I miss Woody. And I don't know how to fix this. I want to fix it but I don't know how to fix it. Mikki asked me if I'd talked to Jamie about it. The Dow is down almost 50% for the year. It's like the last 11 years didn't happen in terms of investing. Since he makes our living selling "the time value of money," I'm not sure he gets (or sympathises AT ALL) how a puppy and toddler and Chase could turn my life upside down. His answer is to throw the dog outside or crate him b/c he's a dog.

I just feel like I'm trying so hard to do so many things and failing at all of them. It's not a good feeling...I just want Sherman to calm down, KWIM? But it's not fair to him to expect a seven month old puppy to behave like a 10 year old dog. I shouldn't get mad at a puppy for being a puppy, so then I get mad at myself for being the arrogant ass who adopted the puppy and naively thought she could handle him, plus the kids. Most days, I don't feel like I can--someone is always getting shortchanged and that's not fair to anyone.

I suck.